If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
