can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
