i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
