Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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