My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
