so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
