I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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