the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
