And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
