I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
