If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
