Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
false alarm. still invincible.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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