Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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