i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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