You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
