News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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