I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
