I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
