im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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