oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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