I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
