why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Randomize
