I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
