Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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