My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
