I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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