My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
