I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
