They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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