Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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