did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
