Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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