i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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