I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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