the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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