The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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