i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
