I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
