He is such a slut. More and more my type.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
