I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
