Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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