and i looked up. we had an audience...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
