Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
