yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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