If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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