Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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