i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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