took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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