he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
