bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
