Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
