Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
